In the last month, she had become something abstract to him, like a character in a play. Their connection had frayed. The unexpected intimacy he had stumbled upon in that place, so urgent and so acute. had eroded into something dull. The experience had lost its power. He recognized the fierce determination that had seized him for what it really was, an illusion, a mirage. He had fallen under the influence of something like a drug. The distance between him and her felt vast now. It felt infinite, insurmountable, and his promise, misguided, a reckless mistake, a terrible misreading of the measures of his own powers and will and character. Something best forgotten. He isn’t capable of it.
This is an excerpt from Khaled Hosseini’s ‘And the mountains echoed’. This paragraph brought me to realize that we go through things similar to this with so many things. I can think of careers, relationships and various other choices that we make impulsively and don’t/can’t stick by because that was never supposed to be a part of us but at the same time it is more that difficult to let go.
As night falls he enters his zone, not letting anyone else enter with him. He says he loves solitary confinement but isn’t loneliness everyone’s fear? Or maybe that’s just me. She tries to blow away the clouds, the dark ones getting darker but, adamant as they are, they keep lurking around in his mind and plague it with everything not nice. Unwilling to share what he’s going through mostly because of lack of trust and understanding, he contemplates ‘ending something precious’ with a close friend. He knows he’s in a better place than the close friend but as the night draws in, he enter his zone. Again.
The smallest happenings bother him and why should they not? He signed up for it and so did she. He lets it consume him so much that he can’t think straight. “It will all be better” he almost murmurs every time but his voice doesn’t trust his words. She wants and hopes to revive what has been lost. More so, she just hopes that he wants it too. Does he? What if he doesn’t?
Winter begins to get to them. She tries to resist the cold but it overwhelms her and is overpowering. It affects her in ways she didn’t know existed. Her every move feels trapped because her mind has been plagued. Will there be cure? She longs for spring. The snow cold begins to numb them. Is she not trying enough or is it him? Do they have it in them to shake the plague away? She’s sick of the gray. Shades of Gray.
The shades of gray will keep me away
Getting darker by each day
Your changing face does not change
And what do we have to exchange?
(The verse has been borrowed from a close friend. This piece was written in 2011. I published it now because everything repeats itself and each of us is part of a cycle.)