As night falls he enters his zone, not letting anyone else enter with him. He says he loves solitary confinement but isn’t loneliness everyone’s fear? Or maybe that’s just me. She tries to blow away the clouds, the dark ones getting darker but, adamant as they are, they keep lurking around in his mind and plague it with everything not nice. Unwilling to share what he’s going through mostly because of lack of trust and understanding, he contemplates ‘ending something precious’ with a close friend. He knows he’s in a better place than the close friend but as the night draws in, he enter his zone. Again.
The smallest happenings bother him and why should they not? He signed up for it and so did she. He lets it consume him so much that he can’t think straight. “It will all be better” he almost murmurs every time but his voice doesn’t trust his words. She wants and hopes to revive what has been lost. More so, she just hopes that he wants it too. Does he? What if he doesn’t?
Winter begins to get to them. She tries to resist the cold but it overwhelms her and is overpowering. It affects her in ways she didn’t know existed. Her every move feels trapped because her mind has been plagued. Will there be cure? She longs for spring. The snow cold begins to numb them. Is she not trying enough or is it him? Do they have it in them to shake the plague away? She’s sick of the gray. Shades of Gray.
The shades of gray will keep me away
Getting darker by each day
Your changing face does not change
And what do we have to exchange?
(The verse has been borrowed from a close friend. This piece was written in 2011. I published it now because everything repeats itself and each of us is part of a cycle.)
How often do we lose? How often among the times we’ve lost, do we want to accept that we’ve lost something/someone? She lived a protected life; was among those who do not know or hear about cruel things that happen to people who live around; one of those who had no cruel intentions. When she thought of it now, she knew that she was naive. It was a comfortable life with no real worries to bear her down. Even if there were, she talked herself into positivism. She trusted easily but held back so much, all for the fear of being vulnerable and hence she survived.
I embraced the first brightest ray of light that came by. Ah! it was an amazing feeling. The warmth was all that I had longed for in my naive and not-so-happening life. It was all that I had never seen or felt before. When you’ve closed your eyes for a long time and you open them to see the most beautiful scene you’ve ever witnessed; it was like that – so pure, so innocent, so true. That was when I changed. I let go. It was too good to hold back. I had to take the plunge and so I did after putting all my trust in that brightest ray. Of all the things I’ve been through in my short life, this is my most priced possession. I wouldn’t trade it for anything but little did I know that my first ray of light would move away to brighten someone else’s day. It wanted to spread its brightness and warmth to others as well. I was hurt. It was pain that engulfed me. We had more than a connection. It was more than so many things put together. They said, everything happens for a reason. I’m trying to figure the reason. I no longer talk myself into positivism, I just believe that everything will find its way to me or away from me. My ray of light changed that for me. It was my change.
I have reached a stage where most of my friends and classmates have started getting engaged or married altogether. I feel relieved to know that I was the youngest in all my classes and that I don’t have to face the pressure to get married back at home as well. Though, I’m sure that day is only nearing with every passing second and more than I dread it, I’m afraid it will be time and I still won’t have found love the second time.
Do I really want to fall in love again?
There were pictures all across my timeline; those really happy and lovely ones you live for. They were all either engaged or married and happiness was spreading like cholera everywhere I turned my eyes. I was smiling too taking in every detail slowly. You may call this old school in today’s age but, I always dreamed of getting married too, to someone who would always put me first and who no doubt would love me for who I am, as I would love him. It was then that this thought struck me and no, I wasn’t being negative. It was reality in its own way. What if I do not meet someone like that? What if I do not marry? What if I am still hung up? What if I am alone? What if…
I kept thinking of ‘what if’ and grew sombre. I’m sure there are few if not many like me out there and holding on to hope is a task sometimes. While I was in the midst of all these thoughts as if by fate I fell upon these words. “What comes easy won’t always last and what will last won’t come easy.” Words strung like this have kept me going and once again words like these have kept me from falling.
I am going to wait it out some more for whatever is in store. Till then, I keep reading more lines like these.
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis