In the last month, she had become something abstract to him, like a character in a play. Their connection had frayed. The unexpected intimacy he had stumbled upon in that place, so urgent and so acute. had eroded into something dull. The experience had lost its power. He recognized the fierce determination that had seized him for what it really was, an illusion, a mirage. He had fallen under the influence of something like a drug. The distance between him and her felt vast now. It felt infinite, insurmountable, and his promise, misguided, a reckless mistake, a terrible misreading of the measures of his own powers and will and character. Something best forgotten. He isn’t capable of it.
This is an excerpt from Khaled Hosseini’s ‘And the mountains echoed’. This paragraph brought me to realize that we go through things similar to this with so many things. I can think of careers, relationships and various other choices that we make impulsively and don’t/can’t stick by because that was never supposed to be a part of us but at the same time it is more that difficult to let go.
I have reached a stage where most of my friends and classmates have started getting engaged or married altogether. I feel relieved to know that I was the youngest in all my classes and that I don’t have to face the pressure to get married back at home as well. Though, I’m sure that day is only nearing with every passing second and more than I dread it, I’m afraid it will be time and I still won’t have found love the second time.
Do I really want to fall in love again?
There were pictures all across my timeline; those really happy and lovely ones you live for. They were all either engaged or married and happiness was spreading like cholera everywhere I turned my eyes. I was smiling too taking in every detail slowly. You may call this old school in today’s age but, I always dreamed of getting married too, to someone who would always put me first and who no doubt would love me for who I am, as I would love him. It was then that this thought struck me and no, I wasn’t being negative. It was reality in its own way. What if I do not meet someone like that? What if I do not marry? What if I am still hung up? What if I am alone? What if…
I kept thinking of ‘what if’ and grew sombre. I’m sure there are few if not many like me out there and holding on to hope is a task sometimes. While I was in the midst of all these thoughts as if by fate I fell upon these words. “What comes easy won’t always last and what will last won’t come easy.” Words strung like this have kept me going and once again words like these have kept me from falling.
I am going to wait it out some more for whatever is in store. Till then, I keep reading more lines like these.
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis